Lifestyle, Relationships

Confessions of an asexual 20-something

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Being the offspring of teen parents—mostly a teen mother­—is really hard. People treat you like you’re gonna go out and have lots and lots of unprotected sex, then someday have a child of your own born out of wedlock someday.

But…dude, hearing about how you should be “careful”, or whatever, whilst you’re an ace? That’s even harder.

I’m an asexual (“ace” for short). More specifically, I’m a grey-ace. It’s a great thing to mention in the event that I want to raise some eyebrows, but…eh, I don’t.

I actually wrote a coming out post on my own blog last year, if you’re interested in reading it.


1. I’m tired of being told I’m a “challenge” to flirt with.

2. When I tell a guy I’m asexual, they ask if I’m sure I’m not just a lesbian.

3. Porn has no value to me. I don’t understand how it’s so prominent in so many peoples’ lives.

4. The way my friend talks about sex and how much he wants the males of Shadowhunters reminds me of how I feel about cuddling with cats, dancing, and/or eating pizza rolls.

5. It’s hard to live in a world that revolves around coitus when you’re not sexually interested in people.

6. The most physical I want to get with people I like is cuddling and having really deep conversations about the different types of pizza-inspired dishes that could be made. Like, that totally does it for me, #js.

7. Shirtless pictures of guys I know make me lose attraction to them instantly.

8. I’m really great at saying so-and-so celebrity is attractive (I call them “lovely”), but the moment the conversation turns to sex, I fail completely.

9. I am often mistaken for a prude, and I’ve no idea how to explain how I’m not really a prude, I’m just…not totally understand the interest myself.

10. I once agreed that I was a lesbian with a guy who was hitting on me, just because I didn’t know how else to explain my asexuality. It was so easy, I started to consider using the label for myself permanently, but then I ran into an issue with an actual lesbian. Needless to say, she wasn’t too happy. Calling yourself a lesbian but not being a lesbian only makes you a tease.

11. Conversations about sex are always so awkward, because I’m constantly wondering when I should be like, “So…yeah…I’m…an asexual.”

12. Most of the time, I don’t know how to adequately explain asexuality to a person.

13. I still wonder if it’d be a bad thing to let people think I’m a lesbian, just because asexuality is hard to explain. People understand lesbianism; they don’t understand asexuality. But then…see #10.

14. As an asexual, I fear no guy will ever genuinely want to be with me without feeling like he’s missing out/settling.

15. I actually want kids…I want to adopt. The idea of personally experiencing pregnancy repulses me as much as having sex does.

16. When people tell me I might like sex if/when I finally have it, I start to feel like I really am broken/no one will ever understand me.

17. I really hate it when people say my abusive childhood has played a part in my asexuality. I pretended to be mega boy-crazy growing up/in grade school. That shit wasn’t easy, thank you.

18. The last time a guy sent me a shirtless photo of himself, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. :(

19. One of my friends still likes me, but I’m already certain I’ll never be what he wants in a person, so I hold back in flirting and try to keep it on friendly terms.

20. The hardest part about being asexual isn’t telling people or being open about it—it’s fearing they will never understand and/or knowing they’ll never understand.

Jane Lawson is a lifestyle blogger at janepedia.com and cousin to Charlise. In her free time, you can find reading or streaming on-demand. The quickest way to her heart is through mint chocolate chip ice cream.

2 thoughts on “Confessions of an asexual 20-something

  1. This society definitely isn’t for people who don’t fit in the “conventional mold.” :( I just don’t talk about my sexuality because people see that I have a boyfriend, and assume that I’m straight. Life is so much easier when I don’t have to explain things to people. But it’s become such a repressed part of me, that it’s difficult to even open up to my queer friends, because “bisexuality” is also one of those identities that are apparently open to debate by 3rd Party (like the things you discuss in your post). Another thing that seems to be up for debate is whether you do or don’t want to have a child. I really don’t understand why people just can’t let it go and accept someone’s decision and choices and identities at face value instead of trying to convince us that they somehow know better than we do and with a 10 minute conversation, will be able to change our minds on something we’ve been living with for years and years… I can’t even imagine how frustrating it must be to be living in such a hypersexualized world as an ace. (I have been beginning to wonder if I’m aromantic, personally…)
    Anyways, I missed your “coming out” post because I’ve basically been AWOL from the blogisphere, so I’m going to go hope around your blog now to catch up. :)

    1. Yeah…I’m always told how I just need to “try” it, and then I’ll like it. Like, WTF? There’s little-to-no sexual attraction there—and I don’t have some ridiculous disorder, either.

      Ah! I know bisexuality is one of the orientations not really accepted by the LGBTQ+ communities! Neither is asexuality. I used to think the “A” in “LGBTQIA” stood for “Asexual”, BUT APPARENTLY, it actually stands for “Allies”. But it seems as those bisexuals should be accepted and not fall in the grey area at all, because LGBT = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual…

      But at the end of the day, most people still don’t understand what they don’t know and don’t care to even begin to try, thus they’d rather change everyone around them who is different, so people can fit into this nice, dainty bubble. It feels a lot similar to how “autism parents” try to convince me I’m not “as bad an autistic” as their kids and/or that I need to stop treating autism like it’s a part of me, because it’s supposedly not. My neurology is me.

      And it’s okay! I got all distracted, overwhelmed and other stuff happened, so I wasn’t super into reading others’ blogs for a while, either…and I also lost track. :p You just missed the fact that I decided to close adashofjane.com and have only one blog.

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